15 Jul 2015

Ruminations

Tuesday July 12th was zero-hour. The starting point, the moment the cord was cut and my inheritance was received.

It took another day of stretching and testing the newborn fingers, and then my eyes opened. An innocent, spiritually wide-eyed child again, and the inheritance is the recognition of what my self-packaged burden is.

I am affected by the indulgent affliction of codependence, and what that means generally, is that almost every time I consciously act on my intellectually derived past experiences; the resentments, the expectations, the "knowledge" (this is what people are like, etc.) it is with another person in mind. It causes pain, to myself ultimately but also to the others who are always on my mind.

The solution is to not think so much, for a start. And to put action into place that will mean day by day I start to change my thinking.

The stillness I have been blessed with through the emotional release of my pain has been given freely by a higher power. And the day of 12th July 2015 was a miraculous day.

I awoke from the chaos inflicted upon my soul, by the actions I took the night before, with an emotional hangover. All stemming from my deranged expectations of and need to control others. In the absence of contact from someone close to me, the hours in my mind soon became an overturned car in the middle of nowhere, with my loved ones dead and that was obviously the reason they weren't answering their phones. The phones that I rang and texted completely inappropriately.

It is fitting that the night before saw me standing in the middle of the road amidst the littered shrapnel and twisted metal pieces from a 3-car pileup. Bystanders gossiped, angry drivers took photos of number plates, and no-one was hurt; but when I heard the jagged sound of solid objects in fast collision (always so much louder than anything I remember), the ambulance was called immediately, and I was of course the one that called them.

Because I have always been told that I am a hero.

Maybe not exact words to that affect, but in various ways that is what I've heard.

I have always wanted to rescue someone. I have always built castles to keep my rescues in, and in those solemn high towers I have paced my mind, and filled it with pride and resentment and toys. And in that mind, this murky place, I became the prince I assumed I was destined to be, because I looked up to Kings.

A prince on a horse, in gleaming black armour, with cruel spikes for arms and a dark blunt visor to see the world through.
Real fucking attractive.

My name is Angus and it means "brave", and my parents lovingly never shied away from telling me that.

I was always given praise for my accomplishments, and so accomplishments were the only thing that mattered to me. Though I tested my hand and passionately followed paths of still, meditative, moment-based enlightenment; at the back of my mind was always The Goal.

No surprise that in my darkest times I look Death in the eyes and seek those answers so irrelevant to Life.

Ultimately, what other goal, but death, is there in life (goals that solely pertain to the self, that is).

I heard it said once that everything we've accumulated for ourselves is dissolved when we die, and everything we give to others had already begun multiplying long before that finality.

This is the crux of my spiritual axiom and one that has to be accepted.

All of my intentions are regarding others rather than myself. I am a people-pleasing, outcome-focussed, achievement-obtaining, unconsciously manipulating and emotionally reactionary person. But that is the external bullshit which has the singularity of Love in my heart as its source.

Love for others, and not for myself.

In regards to the accumulation of self-obtained possessions versus gifts given without expectations: if my thoughts and actions are solely based on my perception of what others want or need, that is not a freely given gift. It comes with a price. I have held something back, and it creates a debt on myself that only causes me to further behave in negative ways.

Sure, I may have given something to another, and that will make that person transitorily happy and it will multiply throughout the world; and will continue to expand when I die. But what is multiplied starts with the intention of the action, and if the intention with which the gift was given (be it physical, emotional, intelectual or like) was to obtain something for myself (even subconsciously - especially subconsciously), then the ripple out into the Universe has begun with ill intentions. That is not a good thing, on so many levels.

Have you ever heard of the threefold return?

How can I blame anyone but myself for ultimately feeling attacked, hurt, blamed, etc. when I have put out to the universe a gift laced with expectations of return. It compounds and multiplies and distorts as it expands, and then comes back to hurt me threefold. It begins with a belief that has been instilled in me somehow - that others are more important than myself.

There is only one answer, and that is to learn how to truly love myself.

For then, what starts to emanate from me? Only the reverberations of words, thoughts, and deeds that have at its one true source within me - pure Love. Not expectations, nor outcomes.

So I was born, in a way, on 12th July at 3:00am. And now I will grow knowing what my problem is, as long as I take the right action to heal.

It starts with posting this and knowing that I like writing, that I like expressing my thoughts and feelings on the net, and that at this point I honestly don't expect results from it. And if there are negative feelings from it, that could just be another person's pain acting out that I don't actually have to take on board.

This is the sort of self-loving talk I'm doing for myself, to help myself heal myself. I don't mind or care what comes from anyone reading this.

I am still, and I am calm, and it is only because I have had the space to realise that I need to be the most important person in my life. How could anyone truly love and accept someone who doesn't live that simple idea.

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